Don't leave me when I'm at my weakest
by jnicweb
Summary: Alec is good at hiding how he really feels. Sometimes too good. He is used to being the strong one so he doesn't know what it feels like to lean on someone. But Magnus knows when someone's at their breaking point. And Alec's at his.


**Hi there! Here is my new story. I actually wrote this before I even had a fanfiction account, but I remembered it and thought it was pretty good. So here it is, tell me what you think! I read back through it and realized how OOC they are, but I think it fits with the idea I had.**

Magnus unlocked the door of his apartment with a flick of his hand. After a long day full of cranky clients and not enough sleep last night, he was ready to flop down on the couch and cuddle with his gorgeous Shadowhunter boyfriend. What he was not expecting was to find was his apartment completely trashed, with broken plates scattered on the floor, his glitter strewn all over the walls and the ceiling, the couches ripped with fluffing spewing out of them…and no Alec. Magnus searched for hours, scrambling though the debris on the floor, looking for a sign of his boyfriend. As he searched, Magnus' imagination ran away with thoughts of what could have happened. _What if Alec has been kidnapped? What if a demon portaled to my apartment and is holding Alec for ransom? What would a demon want from me? Aside from my sparkly personality and drop-dead gorgeous looks, I have nothing of value. What if Alec ran away because he no longer wants to be with me? I thought he loved me. What if I was wrong the entire time? No, Alec still loves me. Maybe he's taking a walk…and ruined my apartment before he left. Ugh._ At the end of his search, Magnus was no closer to finding Alec than he was to convincing Alec to wear skin tight skinny jeans. Even though Alec hated Magnus doing it, he had no other choice. Magnus had to do a searching spell. He ran to his and Alec's room to grab a worn out, holey sweater of Alec's. Holding it arm's length away from him, Magnus performed the spell to find his loved one.

Across the town, a particularly downtrodden Shadowhunter with dashing blue eyes was sitting on a bench in the park. His head was down, and from his body posture, he was sleeping. Ever since Max's death, Alec had been having trouble sleeping. He kept seeing images of his family sprawled across his lap, bloody and mangled. Izzy. Jace. Maryse. Robert. Even the ever-present Simon and Clary. But what hurt the most was seeing Magnus. Magnus draped across his lap, broken and oozing blood. As if that wasn't enough, Alec knew that he was responsible for all the death and destruction. He was the one who got Magnus killed in the nightmares. After weeks of seeing the same pictures of his family dead, Alec snapped. First it was the book that Max had gotten him for his birthday. The last birthday they would share together. Then it was the manga book that Max had left at the apartment the last time he visited. Then it was the shirt that he and Max had picked out together when they reluctantly went shopping with Isabelle. And it all went downhill from there. Soon the entire room was torn apart. Anything that had a connection to Alec's little brother was thrown against the wall, hard enough to make the neighbors yell at him to keep the noise down. But everything had a connection to Max. Even the sparkly t-shirt in the back of Magnus' closet reminded him of Max. Magnus had been wearing it the first time Max met him. Max had said, "Alec, why is your boyfriend wearing a sparkly t-shirt?" Alec had blushed, because he and Magnus weren't exactly "dating" yet. But Magnus had smiled at Max, and said, "I guess I just like to be and wear fabulous things." Alec had muttered under his breath that he thought Magnus would look fabulous in a clown suit. He thought Magnus couldn't hear him, but as soon as the words left his mouth, the corners of Magnus' mouth quirked up, and he winked at Alec, causing his blush to return to his face. Alec smiled at the memory, but it was soon tainted by the other memory of Max's small little body, unmoving. Alec threw the t-shirt against the wall, but his anger was still there, boiling at the surface, waiting to be noticed. So Alec walked out of the bedroom, and started smashing plates instead. As his anger subsided, Alec looked around at the mess he made, and started to get nervous. He couldn't let Magnus see him like this. Alec was always the strong one. He had to pull himself together. So he grabbed his jacket from the hook and raced out of the apartment as fast as he could so Magnus wouldn't have to see him like this. And that's how he ended up on the bench at the park, asleep.

Magnus dashed out the door, clutching Alec's sweater in one hand, holding his phone in the other. With shaking fingers, he dialed Alec's number. As he expected, it went to voicemail. Muttering a curse, Magnus ran faster, desperate to comfort his blue eyed beauty in his time of need.

Alec awoke to the sound of gravel crunching under someone's feet. He jumped up from his position on the bench, pulled a seraph blade from his belt, and whirled around to meet his opponent. When he saw it was only Magnus, Alec blushed and slowly lowered the blade. Then realized that it was _Magnus…_who wasn't supposed to see him like this. As he started to turn away to run, he felt a gentle hand on his arm. It didn't pull at him, just rested there, letting him know that however alone Alec thought he was, he would always have Magnus there to comfort him. Alec smiled against his will at the golden hand on his arm, but the nightmares came rushing back to him. He frowned, and his blue eyes darkened.

As Alec started to turn back around, Magnus saw a slight smile on the boy's lips, but it was soon replaced by a frown, and his eyes deepened. His eyebrows came together, almost like he was deep in thought, but his body stance betrayed him. Magnus could see that he was strung tight, ready to bolt at a second's notice. His eyes were shifting, looking everywhere except at Magnus. Expecting to feel hurt by Alec's reluctance to meet his eyes, Magnus only felt sadness at his boyfriend's pain. He slowly took a step forward, careful not to make any sudden movements, lest he scare Alec away. As his foot hit the ground, Alec's eyes finally met his own. Magnus was shocked at the pain and misery he could see so clearly through Alec's eyes. The bags under his eyes, and the scraggly way his hair fell around his shoulders strengthened Magnus' feeling that all was not right with Alec. Magnus smiled a small smile, to let him know that he understood, but this small emotion was too much for Alec to handle. He started shaking like a leaf, and Magnus hurried towards him before he broke. As Magnus' arms circled Alec, he could feel Alec's sobs racking his body. Magnus made small circles on Alec's back, whispering calming words to him. But instead of the effect Magnus wanted, it had the opposite. Alec's wails got louder, and his body melted against Magnus. Magnus looked at Alec with horror as his legs couldn't support his tired body, and Alec almost fell to the ground. But Magnus' strong arms were there to catch him, and take him home.

Alec wept against Magnus for hours. Originally they were seated on the couch, but after a while Magnus' legs started to cramp up on the tiny sofa. So they moved into the bedroom. For once Alec followed Magnus to the bed without so much as a blush. Alec was too emotional to be embarrassed. His sobs racked his muscled body, and Magnus' hand rubbed small circles on his back, cooing words of comfort to Alec. But he heard none of it. He was locked in his misery and nothing Magnus could do would make him come out. He just had to let the bawls take its course. The most Magnus could do was to be there for his boyfriend. He just hoped it ended soon because he needed to talk to Alec about it.

Eventually, Alec calmed down enough to feel embarrassed about his outburst. His cheeks started to redden, and he started to squirm in Magnus' arms. But Magnus would have none of it. He held Alec until he was quite sure the sobs were over. Then Magnus turned Alec so he was looking at his face, and he saw that his eyes were still engulfed by the misery and sadness. Magnus felt Alec's pain too well. He had lost many loved ones as well. He wanted to tell Alec that it got easier to handle as time went on, but it didn't. It never got better. It just faded to a dull throb in the back of your mind that could be ignored at times, but could never be forgotten, and would spring up at moments like this. It had been 2 years since Max had died, and this wasn't the first time Alec had a break down. This was just the biggest and longest.

Alec wiped his nose against the sleeve of his sweater, and sheepishly looked up at Magnus' cat-eyes. Expecting to see pity and revulsion, he was pleasantly surprised to see comfort and a small smile on Magnus' lips, letting him know that he was there for him. Alec tried to smile back, but thought it ended up looking like a grimace instead. Alec took a shaky breath, and held it in for as long as he could before he let it out; finally calm enough to talk to Magnus about the nightmare. Alec shifted until he was sitting in Magnus' lap; either to draw comfort from him to keep him from running away, Alec didn't know. Probably both.

Magnus saw Alec take a breath, and hoped that Alec would trust him enough to tell him what was wrong. As Alec started his story, his eyes started to water up, and though he tried so hard to keep control of his emotions, when he reached the part about Magnus lying dead in Alec's lap, the tears spilled over his cheeks, wetting them again. Magnus wanted to lean forward and kiss them away, but knew that Alec needed to let it all out before being comforted. So Magnus just held him until the story was over.

"Magnus, I-I'm scared that you're going to leave me. I'm afraid that you think I'm not good enough for you. That you don't want to be with me, now that you know what I'm capable of." Alec ducked his head down, but Magnus was having none of it. He ran his thumb under Alec's eyes to dry the tears that remained, and noticed the dark bags under his eyes. His blue eyes looked tortured, and after that explanation, Magnus could understand why. Now he understood why Alec had been slowly pulling away from Magnus the last couple months.

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood," Magnus began. Alec's eyes widened at the use of his full name. He knew Magnus meant business now, "you are the best person I have ever known. I know that maybe you don't think that, but believe me; I know that your heart is made of gold, and no matter what happens in your life, you will always be the greatest thing that I can call my own. While you blame yourself for Max's death, did you stand over him and beat him upside the head?" Magnus asked. Alec slowly shook his head, not sure where this was going. "Did you look into his eyes and stab his heart with a knife?" Alec shook his head again, but whatever Magnus was hoping to accomplish, it wasn't working. Alec felt even worse now, imagining all these horrendous things happening to his baby brother. "Exactly. You didn't beat him, you didn't stab him, and lord knows you didn't release demons on him. But, who did?" Alec opened his mouth to answer, but before he could, Magnus beat him to it. "That's right. Sebastian did. You did not. Sebastian is the one you should be blaming. Not you. You know, I've known a couple Shadowhunters, and as a whole, you guys have to grow up exceptionally fast. I know you took care of Jace, Max and Izzy because your parents weren't there to, and I know you feel responsible for every little detail in their lives. Out of all the Shadowhunters I've known, you are the most capable, and the most gifted, and the most responsible, not to mention the sexiest," at this Magnus was rewarded with a small smile and an even smaller blush from Alec, "of them. You had to grow up faster than normal Shadowhunters, and you did an amazing job on Izzy and Max. Jace, I have nothing nice to say, but that's probably because you didn't influence him from birth. If there is anything you should blame yourself for, it is for raising three talented, smart, and exceptional children, mostly all by yourself. So, the next time you think of Max, don't blame yourself. Congratulate yourself that he was a beautiful little boy who was very intelligent, and knew the meaning of family. I love you, and I love that you care so much about your family. That's one of the reasons I kept hold of you. Because you have the biggest heart I have ever seen, but it takes a lot to get inside. And I am honored that you consider me lucky enough to be a part of your family. But know this: I will _never_ leave you. Ever. And don't you even say that you're not good enough to be with me. You are more than enough for me. The only thing I want to do is grow old with you, and die with you. I will never stop loving you. I will love you to the end of the earth, and around the moon, and to sun, and all around the Milky Way, and it won't come close to the amount of love and happiness I experience when you're with me. Don't you understand? _I love you. _Forever and always." Magnus finished his speech, and Alec's eyes were the biggest he had ever seen. The misery and blame was still there, but they were overshadowed by love and appreciation for his boyfriend.

Alec cleared his throat. It hurt like hell, because of all the sobs, but Alec had something to say after that little speech. "Magnus, thank you." Although Alec still blamed himself for Max's death, (he should have been there and not left Izzy and Max with Sebastian) he was filled with love for his warlock. He had taken the time to comfort Alec in his moment of need, and didn't turn away when he found out about the nightmare. Alec had never really believed that Magnus had loved him, just thought that he was another of Magnus' playthings that he would get rid of when he got bored. But after that, Alec had no doubt in his mind that Magnus was his, and he was Magnus'.


End file.
